Mind of the mindless

Considering that most of my living has been done internally these days, be it chemically or otherwise, I cant quite pinpoint how I'm supposed to share whats going on in there with all that is out here

Mi amore is gone for the next four days so perhaps a solution of sorts can be found in that time
Because really,fuck,I havent a clue as to how I can express any of this to any of you.

Dear ----------,

I sit before a high priest. A medieval court. A family who hates all that I love. Some broken blood lines and lineage left untouched. Their war wounds are worn at a time when I have no armor to offer.

To my family, you wont find what your looking for, not here, so stop searching. My happiness is fit for a king, for the sun that shines today, the four seasons I will brave even if it means a significant amount of blood loss. When Im throwing twenty years of an upbringing with you all away, shouldnt it show how much the truth means to me?
Guess not. Either way, I'm here, I'm clear, take it or leave it.

To you, breath,bone,body. Thank you. We've made it this far. Im giving thanks before a nation of others beats me to it.

And to you, you. Thank you. For being who you are. Doing what you do. And letting me partake in the brilliance.

Signed,
Eternally Grateful

yesterday was the day

without intention on my behalf

that my family found out that I am

no longer

on the

righteous path.

my stepmom approached me in our kitchen,half breaking down,the other composed enough to put together a few syllables

and she asked if I was now of the christain faith

i said no,i have none.

how terrible a thing to want something so badly that you are willing to give yourself up in the duration

and all the while, you have it, but not really, not entirely yours.
The gift that wont stop giving. A tease gone too long.
I don't want a fraction, I want the sum.

I can't wait for time to change your mind. I'd like you,all of it.

You leave come summer and the time between then and now isn't enough to curb my enthusiasm.
My loss overpowers any gain I may hold, its temporary. Momentary. Not enough.

I've lost more than I'd of ever liked to in a lifetime and I don't need you to be another addition to that list of reasons to hate the world most days and hate you some and hate myself all.

cheers! to the winter months.

Ive been first and last

look at how the time goes past.

 with tobacco and ash sprinkled over our sheets like stars placed perfectly in the sky, his hands will reach for mine and for the first in a long time, my reaction wont be to pull away. I can only reach back. 

Keep your fingers there,they fit too well with my own. A set of strings we play, melodies all our own, the sound of tickles trickle out of every orifice and if Im laughing so hard that its a resulting passing of gas,so be it.

Im smiling so hard, no smell can take that away. 

Being this tired feels as good as it doesnt, for the most part though a numbness as so leaves me completely impervious to all things careful and caring related. Friends Ive had at my side for near seven years now are stabbing me left and right, but we all know that knives dont have your back. So if I seem a little withdrawn, forgive me. My faith in man kind is decreasing with the passing of time and the coming of words. Shit comes, meaning goes. I have no respect left for you guys. R e s p e c t, more than a word, more than some song. Its what your losing, more than myself and the time that I have (had?) to give.

You, you are now my ex, the one repeatedly going out of his way to make sure that my day isnt made till tears fall like walls. We're done, so why isnt your job? I'll save you some time and say that I do cry at every text or phonecall you persistently send for reasons unbeknownst to myself. You did what you came here for, I've lived,loved, lost, what more is there? I only ask of peace. Let it be.

And no, I dont wanna be your friend, not anymore. Any kindness you may've paved my way is now covered in a cement so thick the words fuck off will never be enough. But really, just.Fuck.Offff.

In my defense, can you really blame me? I dont blame myself.

I might just latch onto the anarchist thrift store gestapo and blame the man. Seems easiest when my eyes are heavy with sleeplessness, too tired to actually see things. I'm done really looking at anything for a while, I never seem to like what I see. And for that, I do blame you.

-so good
-soo good
-s0 good
-so.gooood.

mmm. Beautiful baby in my arms. I'm a sap. love is love. Life is love. I'm in love with life.
Mine,at that.

I miss a friend named Joshua because my times stripped and striped between obligations and sweet nothings
In between the two though I'd like to start seeing everyone else as well. I don't think I or anyone will ever be a good reason enough to shut people out. So I'll try my hardest not to. If I succeed, I can only hope to share the splendors; if I fall, I only ask you be there to listen. Maybe even just be there. Open your eyes and your ears. Ill be here.

stop running away from whats sitting right in front of you

If you want an answer, just ask the question

Honesty works both ways guys.

I've broken a boys heart, but I've found that its possible to feel absolutely amazing in the duration. The two have zero correlation, make no mistake. I feel terribly for what I've done, but that aside, all is more than well. I lost my job, lost what I considered 'life' (the Canadian), and barely see or speak to my family any longer.

All the while, a German has become my habitat. We wake walk and breath as one. I'm not using him as a filler, feel, or replacement for everything that isn't, and it could only appear so, hence my need to clarify. He just is. I just am. And with no titles in place, we just are. I'm finding myself befallen with some Bronchial issues, no doubt due to both an increase in smoke inhalation and a decrease in temperature. he makes me soup. I make him tea. And we take place on a mattress on the floor. Silly grins and high fives all around to show for it.

A few minor writing ideas in place and plans to travel about, I can't help but see beyond the gray sky man.

I feel silly writing about one boy, after I did the very with another. I guess it's just the documentation of what we are living, and this is what I am, who I am at this moment in time. And it's almost funny how close to death something like a cold makes us feel, I'm finding it hard to want to do things, a thing, any thing. Coughs come up and motivation goes out.

Keep on keepin on I guesss.

picture post to come?

I will never understand people

but 

I cant ask for much because

they will never understand me.

uh oh.

 There are a lot of things that make me who I am today,sadly,upset being a main contributor that comes to mind. 

I'm upset that after over a month of having been told that I'll get better, I haven't. That with patience, we'll figure out what's wrong. 
We haven't.
I'm upset that i don't even have health insurance for a proper means of figuring out 'what is wrong.' To every problem lies a solution, so where is mine?
I'm raping planned parenthoods left and right for a means to an answer,any. Tomorrow we see.
Im upset that the one person who keeps my hopes high has been upset lately; it's a change most wouldn't even find noteworthy, but I've put the only happiness I can out there into him,onto him, with him, for him. So my happiness is slowly going somewhere unfamiliar to us, and I cant even ask him why, because its the little things I note that he'd never care to. Because he'd say 'nothing', and hope I believe it the way he does.
He's stressed, schools actually starting,his mom is crazy, and come every weekend he has to drive from canada to ohio just for a few hours of work and a weekend of his mom telling him he's ruining hers. He'd never admit to any of that troubling him though, he wont. So I cant either.
I'm upset at how low on funds I always am, and that my existence only brings further cost, making negatives out of not only my attitude but my dollars as well. Dollars that are not even my own, mind you.
Upset that while I've finally found a job,it may affect the only time I have with my boyfriend.
Weekends are prime time for any real money, but they are also the only time I have with him,ever. 

and in the end, what's most upsetting is that after having written that all, I see that there's little reason to actually be upset, I mean really upset.
Yet i am.

Let this health scare flee me and smiles will once again be real to this face

There are enough patches of blue outside for me to force myself against the battling winds to share a cigarette with the sky
;
Today is a day toward positivity, first in some time, the step leading upstairs that I've waited too long to take. 

I have only the sun to thank 

 I don't have anything that I'd like to say more than the only thing there really is to say 
and that is that I love you.

It's inspired me to start writing again so come the dawning of a few poetically staged paragraphs maybe my words on here will come back to life as well. But oh my god. Do I want you. It isn't a source of completion either, where I cant be myself without you,like some limb. No, I can. I just don't want to.

I've never been one for belief in needing others to feel whole, its the idea of sharing the beauty and brilliance each possess individually thats so captivating to me.

Its you. 

 Current obsession you ask?

my boyfriend aside,( -- )

I take my citizenship test tomorrow,please let me pass.
I keep my love on my mind and his current furrowed brow aimed at my presence makes it hard not to cry
Hes just upset he says, he'll get over it he says. It hurts I say. 
Why upset, I couldnt tell you exactly. Not as excuse, but fair reasoning, I was on my period, insecure, drunk, and trapped in my own mind.
He's allowed to be upset, but I think Im equally allowed to be upset that he is.

I only ever wanna see you smile, so why is it I can only think of your tears right now?
Fuck. 

It let me see how much I love you
if only I knew what you saw yourself

Study time.

I apologize immensely for the lack of both commenting and/or updates

I am now not only without an actual residence, but without a motor vehicle of any sort as well, making it hard to sit still and write things down
Access to the internet in itself is fairly rare as well

so again el jay,apologies :x. 

He makes me want to take pictures of myself again
He makes me want to take pictures again, period.
I wish I had one to post here, some proof of the way he kisses me like I've never been kissed before. Every. Single. Time.
Our relationship came out of simply satisfying some urges without any false hope for permanence considering he goes back to Canada come school time and I myself Ann Arbor. But two months later and I'm easily falling. It hurts to consider because I never have before been treated the way I am right now, and I cant imagine that I will again ever be. 
I'm not losing myself to some fantasy that this is ~TeH OnE that no one will ever live up to, until someone does. 
In truth, he's just so delicate yet rough and affectionate to the touch. I've received many a complaint about our publicly displayed affections but having been born with apathy behind my eyelids, I can't help but smile to of found someone who will take my hand first. He swims into my arms and everything else instantaneously disappears. I genuinely don't think any other soul this affectionate exists. 
I feared making all the first moves because I didn't want to be 'that girl' that corners him into anything he himself wasnt sure of, so to of walked into someone who wants to hold my hand and skip down steps and sway my hips and kiss my lips regardless of any audience, is perfect
; he is imperfectly perfect.
I don't even know what to do with myself anymore, still living on the couches of friends and bending over backwards for dollars at a time; I'm scarily the happiest I have ever been. I could sing songs, or preferably just stick to writing them. Prose. Sonnets. Stars. 
It's all mine; for now, so are you. 

It's all I want.

 Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I actually took the step I've been threatening to and shave my head.
I wonder if any of you would care to converse let alone ask me my name. I'm so stuck behind some aesthetic pleasure
that no one will see beyond. They dont allow themselves to. And I guess I dont allow it either.

But in other news, I'm happy!; Healthy. Party and bullshit is my lifestyle of late and people can judge to their lil hearts content but I couldnt care less. Work a 9-5, do it happily. Dont work at all,do it with integrity. Aint no thang. Do I care? No. I've got an irreplaceable smile on my face and I only want the same for every other out there, homeless,hopeless and all.