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Jan. 23rd, 2012

(no subject)

❝I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.❞

Dec. 5th, 2009

(no subject)

This sucks.

Happiness will never be mine, not entirely, and that isn't even the issue.
I just need to learn to be okay with it already.

I've learned lessons times too many, others not enough. In the end, do either really stick?

Stupidity tries

Nov. 30th, 2009

asshole entry(1)

I'm interested in all that is unlike what I see daily. I dont disregard the regular, it has a beauty all its own. Im just itching for something different.

And that,is where I am in life. New sounds, sights, even if its within my own bedroom. Sensations, silliness, hysteria. I'll take it all. Some creativity put back into the populous. I'm drawn to Beck all too much of late because of how different that son of a mothers love appears to be. I love it.

Lets say things you dont normally say. Hear some sounds not yet heard.

Where does it begin? Myself.

I'm trying.

Nov. 22nd, 2009

(no subject)

Considering that most of my living has been done internally these days, be it chemically or otherwise, I cant quite pinpoint how I'm supposed to share whats going on in there with all that is out here

Mi amore is gone for the next four days so perhaps a solution of sorts can be found in that time
Because really,fuck,I havent a clue as to how I can express any of this to any of you.

Nov. 12th, 2009

head to toe embellishments

Dear ----------,

I sit before a high priest. A medieval court. A family who hates all that I love. Some broken blood lines and lineage left untouched. Their war wounds are worn at a time when I have no armor to offer.

To my family, you wont find what your looking for, not here, so stop searching. My happiness is fit for a king, for the sun that shines today, the four seasons I will brave even if it means a significant amount of blood loss. When Im throwing twenty years of an upbringing with you all away, shouldnt it show how much the truth means to me?
Guess not. Either way, I'm here, I'm clear, take it or leave it.

To you, breath,bone,body. Thank you. We've made it this far. Im giving thanks before a nation of others beats me to it.

And to you, you. Thank you. For being who you are. Doing what you do. And letting me partake in the brilliance.

Eternally Grateful

Nov. 10th, 2009

(no subject)

yesterday was the day

without intention on my behalf

that my family found out that I am

no longer

on the

righteous path.

my stepmom approached me in our kitchen,half breaking down,the other composed enough to put together a few syllables

and she asked if I was now of the christain faith

i said no,i have none.

Nov. 9th, 2009

(no subject)

how terrible a thing to want something so badly that you are willing to give yourself up in the duration

and all the while, you have it, but not really, not entirely yours.
The gift that wont stop giving. A tease gone too long.
I don't want a fraction, I want the sum.

I can't wait for time to change your mind. I'd like you,all of it.

You leave come summer and the time between then and now isn't enough to curb my enthusiasm.
My loss overpowers any gain I may hold, its temporary. Momentary. Not enough.

I've lost more than I'd of ever liked to in a lifetime and I don't need you to be another addition to that list of reasons to hate the world most days and hate you some and hate myself all.

cheers! to the winter months.

(no subject)

Ive been first and last

look at how the time goes past.

Nov. 8th, 2009

gas passing good time

 with tobacco and ash sprinkled over our sheets like stars placed perfectly in the sky, his hands will reach for mine and for the first in a long time, my reaction wont be to pull away. I can only reach back. 

Keep your fingers there,they fit too well with my own. A set of strings we play, melodies all our own, the sound of tickles trickle out of every orifice and if Im laughing so hard that its a resulting passing of gas,so be it.

Im smiling so hard, no smell can take that away. 

Nov. 3rd, 2009

(no subject)

Being this tired feels as good as it doesnt, for the most part though a numbness as so leaves me completely impervious to all things careful and caring related. Friends Ive had at my side for near seven years now are stabbing me left and right, but we all know that knives dont have your back. So if I seem a little withdrawn, forgive me. My faith in man kind is decreasing with the passing of time and the coming of words. Shit comes, meaning goes. I have no respect left for you guys. R e s p e c t, more than a word, more than some song. Its what your losing, more than myself and the time that I have (had?) to give.

You, you are now my ex, the one repeatedly going out of his way to make sure that my day isnt made till tears fall like walls. We're done, so why isnt your job? I'll save you some time and say that I do cry at every text or phonecall you persistently send for reasons unbeknownst to myself. You did what you came here for, I've lived,loved, lost, what more is there? I only ask of peace. Let it be.

And no, I dont wanna be your friend, not anymore. Any kindness you may've paved my way is now covered in a cement so thick the words fuck off will never be enough. But really, just.Fuck.Offff.

In my defense, can you really blame me? I dont blame myself.

I might just latch onto the anarchist thrift store gestapo and blame the man. Seems easiest when my eyes are heavy with sleeplessness, too tired to actually see things. I'm done really looking at anything for a while, I never seem to like what I see. And for that, I do blame you.

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